Prevention for mental health from childhood: affection
We started a series of articles to help prevent mental health from childhood, in the family, where receiving and giving affection is key.
Table of contents: prevent with affection from childhood
- Prevention and secure attachment for mental health in childhood
- Affection in the family from the earliest years. What does it mean to love?
- The task of loving and being loved in the family
- Positive evaluation from others
Mental health in children and adolescents has significantly worsened. Numerous childhood psychological problems look like an epidemic in developed countries. Self-harm has increased; increasingly at younger ages (we are seeing 12-year-old children with this type of behavior). For many other reasons, a large number of families request an appointment for their children at a mental health center, public or private.
As an educational psychologist, with my own office for more than 22 years, my task is to arrive on time, to prevent behaviors or reactions that, if not treated during early childhood, will surely end in personality or mood disorders or other pathologies. Therefore, I will write some articles, to help families and teachers who are in direct contact with minors, to “arrive on time.”
Prevention and secure attachment for mental health in childhood.
First of all, it is obvious that the affection received from the mother’s womb is the best prevention; but we are not talking about an exact science in which 2 plus 2 will always be 4.
The presence of a solid family figure – especially the mother and father – who knows how to transmit affections, behaviors and beliefs in a coherent and loving way, will produce in children what is called a secure attachment. It is about the way of acting, of relating to the world, with others and with oneself that promotes mental health. (See: Carmen Ávila de Encio. Attachment relationship: possibilities).
We have, however, many good experiences, in which, although despite not having received that affection due to lack of clear knowledge or lack of positive parental models, or due to difficult circumstances in which it has not been possible to attend with all the affection … With the appropriate support, this lack of attachment or the consequences of a disorganized attachment can be channeled, where we find trauma and even in cases in which there may have been some abuse by the parents.
There are many resilient children and young people, who emerge from their wounds, who have known how to bring out their best version after having suffered. Interesting reading of The Ugly Ducklings: Resilience. An unhappy childhood does not determine life, by Boris Cyrulnik. It’s a song of hope!
Affection in the family from the earliest years. What does it mean to love?
The family is the fundamental habitat for preventing all types of diseases, but in this case, much more responsible in terms of the psychological balance of minors.
It is clear that affection, manifested in eye contact, an affectionate tone of voice, as well as other manifestations of affection, are the best way to start the path of life.
For our homes to be protective and not over-protective (which generates serious problems in children, to which I will dedicate another article), we need all family members to know, what I read the other day when entering a family home in a sign illuminated from behind: “in this house we love each other very much.”
I thought it was masterful. In this house we love each other a lot: despite the grades our children get, we love each other a lot even though one or more of them have a strong character and their manifestations in the face of contradiction are inappropriate, we love each other a lot even if we are tired and don’t feel like talking or smiling, we love each other very much because we accept the hurtful phrases of teenagers or the messy toys of children. And I could continue with a long etcetera.
The task of loving and being loved in the family
Because loving is not synonymous with “when I feel it”, or “when I feel like it”, “when I feel reciprocated…. then I will want.”
To love is an attitude of the heart in balance with reason and supported by the will (the decision to do so), which directs me to the good, knowing that until I reach that good there will be many difficulties along the way. But I love them because I want to love.
To love in the family environment we do not have to assume that we are already doing it.
To love every day, I have to conquer that attitude, those manifestations, those thoughts, those interior monologues that tip the balance of my actions or reactions towards an unreal wanting or a “deception.” It is a challenge that I face, because I know and I am convinced that my family is the most important business of everything I do.
Loving the other person with their imperfections, trying to see the positive; seeking a fluid and sincere communication, so that the grain of sand does not end up being a desert. Giving more than demanding. Appreciating any service or expression of affection, no matter how obvious it may seem to us. Leaving “in the freezer”, until they cool, topics to discuss or comment on with your spouse, or with that child who questions everything.
Positive evaluation from others
It’s about valuing my loved ones positively every day, even if they are not doing anything especially important, simply because I love them and I want them to know that I love them because they are, not because of what they do.
All this generates a benevolent climate in the face of errors and mistakes that are very important for adult life. Saint Josemaría Escrivá said that nothing ever happens and if it does, what does it matter and if it matters, what happens? Wonderful advice.
In my family I am not in a job where I have to perform and prove how much I am worth. I am in my family to love and to feel loved, to iron out the rough edges of my character, to learn simplicity from the little ones, to bring out the best version of myself.
Affection in the family weaves a safety net, based on real affection, which is the best predictor of emotional well-being, both for adults and children.
Inmaculada Lluch Baixauli
